"Sometimes the best in me comes out in the worst of times."
Our family has been given another test of faith and strength and I truly believe God gives us only what HE knows we can handle.
So that said, I must be a super hero! I could never imagine having the strength to continue the emotional roller coaster of having a child with an incurable cancer.
It was a beautiful, hot long weekend when the skies turned ugly in our house. Two days earlier I had a severe anxiety attack over what may or may not have been minor symptoms of a relapse in Xavier.
Then it happened. For no reason at all he fell off his chair at supper. Just like that he dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes. We convinced ourselves it was just an inner ear problem (after all his sister was just recovering from an ear infection). But still we decided to take him in to emergency at McMaster Children's hospital where they know him best.
In less than an hour, his ear was ruled out as the cause as was his shunt. A quick MRI was ordered and my stomach began to swirl. The storm inside me got stronger, churning up deep fears within me.
By the end of the day, another MRI showed his tumour was much larger than it was just two months ago. We were just here last year. It was all too familiar, the hospital too comforting.
Xavier's surgeon, who has successfully performed two prior brain surgeries on him, was sweet yet blunt. The tumour doubled in size (we could see ourselves on the images she showed us) and it was pressing on his medulla and brainstem causing quick deteriorating of his mobility.
Surgery was an option to temporarily relieve his symptoms to give us a bit more quality time before we prepared for the worst. We were devastated, yet we told ourselves we knew this day would come.
We prayed anyways - for healing, for something other than the worst. And so did everyone we knew.
The next day, the raging storm inside me eased with a new perspective. Hope was planted by our radiation oncologist from Xavier's team. He immediately saw the MRI and said it was a late effect of radiation treatment - the growth was blood.
Surgery is still our only option for him and will confirm one way or another what it is we are dealing with. How his future, our future will look like.
As we head into surgery Tuesday, I am holding on to hope that we will have much more time with Xavier. Although still very serious, the radiation theory, is by far the best of the worst.
All this said, I want to address my loyal readers of Inspire Magazine. I want to thank you for your support during this difficult time and promise to keep you informed. I will respond to your inquires about Inspire, but it may not be as quickly. I will continue to provide you with HOPE. But my focus will be on my family at this time and I apologize for any delays.
Life is so unpredictable. But I am calm and working even harder to bring peace to my children at this time. It is exhausting, but at the same time it is some of my best parenting when times are toughest. I have always excelled under pressure and this is no exception.
With hope,
Carla Garrett, Owner of Inspire Magazine